Wednesday, July 1, 2015

A Soccer Ball Sized Secret

Welcome to 2015 blog-o-sphere!

How did I make it all the way to July without posting? Secrets. Embarrassment.

First, My husband and I split after a year of marriage. Our problems boiled down to unrealized expectations of our marriage relationship, finances, and a whole bunch of secrets and facades. To get a small glimpse into why we haven't stuck it out. At our last marital therapy session asked us both what we were willing to do to save our marriage. I went first. I told her that I was willing to take his concerns into consideration and let go of the past hurts I have been holding against him so we can move forward together. Then he went he said nothing. Not that he didn't say anything but he said at this point (after months of being in consoling) that he wasn't willing to do ANYTHING differently than he has been doing before (even if his methods were not constructive as we have discussed in counseling). So I called it, in that session in that moment. I called it over. He first told everyone at our church that I left him and he still wanted us to work then a few months later he started telling everyone that he left because of adultery... Yeah okay. Who does the church believe? The man who can't keep his story straight. The one that went from "my wife left me." to "I left my cheating wife." (Something he has been threatening me with telling people when we got into our nightly/daily 8 hour long fights if I ever tried to leave him). Lets ignore that at this point he hasn't worked for a year, but bought a new xboxone and "took" me on a vacation to  Charleston, South Carolina in the dead of summer (I don't like history and I ESPECIALLY hate racially icky history and being amongst the places "proud of their heritage/confederate flag."). Anyway that's over.

I got on birth control as we were in counseling and awaited surgery to remove potentially dangerous cysts formed from the year of fertility treatments. I told him explicitly that IF I were to get pregnant I would leave him, run away and never look back. So, naturally this made him want to start trying on his side to help us conceive. Too little too late my friend, I don't start birth control because I haven't decided yet. Anyway, his spontaneous addiction to tobacco products (that started the day we started fertility treatments) ended instantly and he started taking his vitamins, but no diet changes and DO NOT ask him to get off the couch, he has a new xboxone and is exhausted from looking for jobs online.

There are about 18 more categories of secrets that I keep mostly for his sake, he announced half of mine so I went ahead and finished the job for him and confessed.

My anger comes from his MOTHER. She is vile, sneaky, manipulative, and aggressive. I understand why he used to tell me that his parents were the reason for a lot of his mental issues. She speaks on his behalf now. She goes behind your back and then smile in your face and ask you to do more things for her. Um no old lady. I am years younger than your youngest child. Pick fights with people your own age. Anyway I respect him enough to not disclose his secrets, they WILL come out sooner or later and that's on him to deal with alone now.

It's so over. Over over over. DONE.

Well, in lighter news as he move out, I moved on. I started going out more, I rekindled relationships with my friends and family I wasn't allowed to speak with. It was a ice cold glass of water on a warm summer's day. January was the best month ever, followed by February, the best month ever! I started enjoying hobbies again, helping others, work, everything started clicking. Then it happened, the BIG CLICK.

I find out that somewhere in the mix of rekindling friendships and living for today that I have a little hitch hiker. A sweet inconvenient bun in my oven. But how did this happen? When did this happen? I don't know. My friends used to tell me all the time that when God wants to give me a child he will. Was this it? Is this my time. Why now after my marriage has failed? Wasn't it me who was the infertile one? Isn't that why I was the only one on fertility drugs? Wait! Did my birth control do this?

Girl stop.

You are pregnant.

After 6 years of praying, hoping, and wishing. You are pregnant.

"But what about being married before having a baby? What about our plan?"

God's Plan is greater than yours. Calm down. You did not understand God's plan for you then and you don't understand now. Take this precious gift, this miracle and roll with it. Let HIS plan unfold, we see where your plans got you.

"You're right." I do not have the answer for any of my questions and God is leading me in some very uncharted territories but he is leading me. I just have to be quiet and listen.

So today, I am passively announcing and owning that I am pregnant. I am a single mother. I am God's daughter. I am not proud of my actions or circumstances that has brought me here but I have a wonderful network of people ready to stand up and be committed to this child's life.  He has my family, my brothers are all STRONG & respectable men. He has my parents who are wholly committed to their children and grand children . He has my male friends who have stepped up and "claimed him" so he can have a continuous father figure in his life. I don't know how all of this will work out but I know it will.

I am due Late October/Early November time frame.

Oh, the soccer ball thing? Umm, World Cup go USA! And according to my pregnancy apps my UTERUS is about the size of a soccer ball.

Go ahead. Go pick up a soccer ball.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Weight-loss Check In

So this weekend I increased my physical activity level by joining an adult soccer team for work. Yes, I get to go play soccer instead of do my work just like we did back in high school where joining a sport ment to get the opportunity to ditch school early and still be counted as present. I've been losing a ton of weight but it has all been with minimal effort... Even though I "have PCOS" once k started losing weight it just started falling off. But since I hit 170 I've hit my platoue and needed to get some fun fitness regimine to keep me in shape so hello soccer team! 

10 lbs to get within a healthy bmi (first target weight)
20 lbs to get back to pre-fertility treatment weight (150 lbs) where I want to get back to. Sure k can reach for 120 lbs my pre-prep-body-for-baby-weight but I loved the way I filled out baiting suits at 150. Just enough t&a to be interesting and not too much that I'm distracting or falling out. I have no desire to get back to my skinny just to get back to my perfect everything. 

Monday, January 19, 2015

New Year's Resolution & (2) Celebrations

I have set my intention for this year. 2015 I resolve to live in and for the present. 

Not my future, not my past. Not what should be, not what would be. Right now is a gift and I will celebrate and thank my creator for it every chance I get. 

That being said (2) things to celebrate!

1) I finally hit 171.6!! 12 lbs to go!! 

2) my estrogen levels are staying low! Thank GOD!! Omg! 

A Blog Post I Needed to Share

I wanted to share this post for two reasons. The first because I loved it the second because we infertiles take the burden on ourselves to be sensitive to others and give them the "they don't know enough to know how badly I'm hurting" or assume that we need to be there for them when our hearts break in doing so. Love this article. They don't have to understand, but once they know, it's up to them to have compassion not us to make excuses for why they're still saying and doing things to us that hurt us or puts us in bad situations. 

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Weightloss Check-In

184.6 looks like I'm still moving in the right direction! I may actually reach my goal to be at 159lbs by January 1st!! 

Saturday, October 25, 2014

weightloss check-in

I have to get down below 160 by January. No big deal right? I just never lost that much weight (any weight) in my life, my metabolism is slow, and who wants to diet and exercise? Not this girl. Well I'm making slow and steady progress. I'm only down 5.6 tiny lbs. 28lbs to go. I feel like I should be losing weight faster :-/ it has almost been a whole month

Friday, October 17, 2014



I read somewhere that one of the reasons that people with PCOS have such a hard time losing weight is due in part to a compromised metabolism requiring less calories to survive. Before I met my husband and started ATTC I was on a minimalist diet. Only eating when I felt hungry and only eating small portions and snacks when I did eat. At the time my PRIMARY motivation was not spending a lot of money on food. Then I learned that for fertility I needed to eat my full calories, not workout strenuously, manage my vitamin intake, and cut carbs/sugars. So I did, I quite eating my tiny portions and splurged on organic, holistic, and highly expensive foods.

So I took a breathing test to compute my resting metabolism rate ($207 w/o insurance but it can be billed as diagnostic so insurance usually coves it)

My daily calorie intake from food can not exceed 1426 without exercising. Back when I counted calories I would eat 1800 calories assuming the general 2000 calorie rule. 

Truth be told the "You need to eat more to lose weight" tip screwed me over and now I look back at 18-20 year old me and I want to tell her good for you, but you should have taken a multivitamin. I, as a person with pcos, am better off eating less calories and that's what I'm going to do. 

The diet plan I am on now has me eating between 1142 & 1426 calories and a fitness regimen. My objective is to lose 35lbs by January and the last 35lbs by March 2015.