Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Mood Swinging But I'm not sad

I miss knowing a ton of ladies who were trying to conceive but I'm so happy everyone was able to move on from it.

I miss feeling like one of many TTC#1. Sometimes, I feel like I need that community of women who have hearts filled with wonder.  I know everyone here at some point TTCed #1 so I know you understand where I am coming from.

I wonder what it would even feel like to be the mother I have always been in my heart.
I wonder what it is like to watch your significant other transform into a father.
I wonder what it would feel like to be called mom.
I wonder what it would be to know that you have created a life.
I wonder what it's like to watch your growing tummy, knowing that you succeeded
I wonder what it's like to go into labor
I wonder what it is like to tell your parents
I wonder what it is like to not resort to adopting another dog
I wonder what it would be like to feel that the house you bought was worth the investment
I wonder what it would feel like to eat for two
I wonder what it would be to look at someone and call them daughter/son
I wonder what it would be like to help someone discover their potential
I wonder what it would be like to go to work for your family rather than yourself.
I wonder what it is like to have holidays to share
I wonder what it is like to have someone participate in the cousin family pictures

It is all beautifully poetically unfathomable. I can not bring myself to imagine actually being anything other than the kid who left home and started a new life... as a kid with age privileges.  

And I feel bad for not feeling like I do a p-poor job relating to women with secondary infertility. It's such a far off stretch from my understanding and imagination that I am unable to properly empathize so I resort to the bare basics of TTC which is we are all trying, sometimes we don't succeed and I know what that's like.

I'm so wrapped up in trying to to become a mother and start this family that beyond that benchmark everything is an hyper-unrealistic blur. In my imagination once you become a family sadness never finds you; since most of my sadness comes from TTC. I know this will not be and isn't the case.

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