Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Living Lies

I want so badly to post, sing, scream and tell everyone about our infertility. I want everyone to know and to identify my friends who are also suffering, I know they are out there.

I want to be able to look at my parents and say "No, it wont just happen. We've been trying for five years, if it were going to happen it would have happened within those five years of trying. We need help from a doctor."

I am tired of hiding, brushing it off, and feeling as though this is something to keep from people. What adverse reactions could we receive besides disapproval? And really would the disapproval be harder to deal with than fudging the truth to make it more palatable for our family and friends?

Because this, persuing infertility treatment and pretending that we are waiting, sucks. Pretending that we have hope that it would just happen when we start trying after the wedding sucks. Being false activists for doing things "in the right order" suck. Who cares the order in which things are done as long as you have the mature commitment and support from your partner that results in a strong family foundation. Heck, who cares if you have a partner if you have the mental and financial support it would take to sustain a healthy family?

I sure don't care. I don't know why anyone else would besides their feeling entitled to pass unsupported judgment on how you should live your life. And my opinion on people who pass judgments on other people is that unless they are supporting you financially, or are willing to support you financially and walk you through each step in your life their opinion does not actually matter. My neighbor can express how "too young" we are to get married or have children but their lives are in no way affected by our decisions (and our lives are in no way affected by their approval or disapproval), they have nothing to lose by the outcome of whatever opinion they have which makes their opinion invalid.

I must digress.

I'm in a particular mood today because I have realized that our five years of trying to conceive have become such a long journey because we have taken the un-solicited advice from so many of our peers and un-affiliated adults to wait, to not investigate our then-assumed infertility, to embrace that we had plenty of time, to enjoy not having children now, to not want to be parents now, to not get married until we're much older and 'lived life', etcetera. I want to go back in time and give younger-us the motivations to go after our dreams and not let other people motivate how we live our lives. We only have one life, it should have been our choice when we did all of these things.

The truth is we have been talking about marriage since 2008 and eloping since 2010. It's now 2013 and we are over the politics of marriage, babies, and age. It's all really dumb after you spend five years waiting to be older because that will somehow make everyone we interact with happier.

Our life isn't about their happiness it is about our own, and right now we are not happy. We regret waiting and regret not having enough voice/confidence to be more public and open about what we are going through. I hate that I feel ashamed of trying to conceive with the love of my life, I hate that I am promote doing it "the right way" every time I use it as an method masking our infertility, I have that I am protecting ourselves from people knowing the truth.

I would much rather live in the truth.

I have never been a part of the LGBTQ group (besides a really awesome friend! Love yall!) but I can only imaging that this frustration is similar prior to coming out. Take me as I am or leave me. This is who I am, this is what I'm doing. It hurts more to not be who I am and surrounding myself with people who cannot support me as I pursue my endeavors (my happiness, my heart, my love, my calling, my meaning for being on this earth) than it is to pretend that I am something that I am not.

Right now I feel livid every time I must coke back the truth. When someone talks about "at least you're doing it right!" and all I want to do is cry because it is completely against our will. I feel angry that I live a double life, I feel sad that I live a double life, I feel little because I have to live a double life in order to feel emotionally safe.

Soon everyone I will be going public about our infertility. I will make it a point that the world know the truth. I will be doing it very soon. Everyone in America can know but everyone in America isn't the people whose opinions matter to me, it's my familiy's. I have to tell our families the truth the whole truth, for God doesn't want us to live lies, lying hurts. I am hurt.

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