Tuesday, September 24, 2013

My Progression Into Infertility

My Progression into Infertility and Beyond

Day One : October 3rd 2008

We're just going to stop all forms of birth control and let things just happen. We'll probably get pregnant in a month or two but whatever. Whose rushing? We have a whole life to live lets just what will happen naturally happen in it's own time!!

Month 2

Well, we weren't expecting it to work the first time. Onwards and upwards!

Month 3

Well, this happens sometimes to couples. Third times the charm! But we're not trying just not preventing pregnancy. This month we started openly discussing eloping as soon as we got our pregnancy confirmed! So we're not engaged we just have a plan to seal our family once it starts! Wow, Soon!!

Month 4

*Starts doing research online* Wow it seems as though most couples will take 6 months to a year to conceive! We're in the clear. Just letting nature take it's course. Lets use these Ovulation Predictor Kits too.

Month 7

Babe, I think there's something's wrong. What should we do? Lets just wait and see we're not infertile until 12 months.

Month 11

I'm going to set up an appointment with my GYN.

Month 12 October 2009

Dr. OB/GYN- So how long have you been trying for
Me- We got off Birth Control 12 months ago but we aren't trying
Dr. OB/GYN- If you're trying I can give you Clomid. And you're young and healthy you'll probably get pregnant right away.
Me - I just want to fix what's wrong.
Dr. OB/GYN - We can get you pregnant if that's what you want. There's not point in testing if we can get you pregnant.

I want to see another GYN

1.5 Years

Dr. OB/GYN- Looks like all of your lab results came back normal. I don't see why you aren't getting pregnant. You're so young. How long did you say you've been trying? Are you ovulating? If not we can give you clomid and if you are we can give you clomid and you should fall pregnant right away. Clomid is magic!

1 Year 8 Months (My Birthday 2010)

Uggh, I don't even want to be pregnant! Who wants to do that? This is probably for the best! Look at how much stuff we can do with out a kid!

Year 2 - 2010-2011

Actual letter he kept <3
Are we really still not pregnant? Wow, everyone made it seem so easy. Why can't we do this? Monkeys do it, ants do it, cows do it why can't we TWO HEALTHY PEOPLE conceive! We're young! Wasn't that first year the most fertile we'll ever be? We are not TWO whollle years less fertile than we where when we didn't conceive. Whatever, what's most important is that the two of us as a team will find a way to conquer this. I love you babe.

I run away to work for Disney World for 6 months. I'm trying to get over the baby envy I've developed. Here I don't cry myself to sleep. I spend EVERY morning and evening at the gym and all day at work. I'm still a good person, I'm going to do everything we can to get healthier. I'm so fit!!

I return, Lets actually get a dog.

Brought Kody home July 2010

Year 2.5 (April 2011)

*Start opening up to friends/family about potentially having a problem*
Unsolicited advice hurts more than it helps
** Reassurance NOT accepted**

Finally Purchased the OVAGRAPH BUNDLE. It's very accurate.

Year 3 - The Darkest Year October 2011-2012

- By this time I have developed spontaneous depression. It's been developing steam since month 11 TTC. I have to see a councilor to keep myself motivated in school.  I HATE everyone who has gotten pregnant or is pregnant. Seeing a pregnant woman or a small child flips my stomach, makes me physically ill, emotionally break down, and my entire week is not ruined because once I get set off there's no way to pull me out of it. My cycles consist of the SADDEST WEEK IN THE WORLD (My Period) Waiting for the chance to conceive (Week 2) Trying like crazy, crying because it wont work, because I don't actually even want to do the deed (ovulation time). Crying, Crying, lost self worth, feels lower than dirt, I hate myself I hate the world, I can't reproduce, I don't want to exist, my partner deserves the right to have a biological child and I can't do that (waiting to test/ testing everyday 4 days post ovulation sometimes twice a day)

- Self-hate, blaming myself. I probably needed to see someone more professionally. I stop seeing myself as worthy of my accomplishments. I hate that I spent so much time in school for nothing! (I'm in school exclusively so that my children have a good life)

Everyday I suffer is another testament of my love for you.
- My pup's my saving grace. I spend all of my spare time teaching him tricks, taking him for walks/jogs, buying him clothes.

- I flunked my first set of classes.

- I read somewhere that when trying to conceive you should take it easy to not stress your body out. I gain 40lbs this year. 

- I'm desperately looking for answers online. I join two online communities. BabyZone and FertilityFriend.

- Garr doesn't call what we're doing actually trying since we aren't talking to doctors anymore... That's his way of being encouraging.

Year 4 2012-2013

 I have a chemical pregnancy. Spring 2012. We get engaged and set our wedding day for a year and a half in the future. By making it inconvenient to conceive, maybe this will help us conceive an keep it!

We start talking to OB/GYNs again. I have my depression under control enough to function on a regular basis. 


We go through 4 more ob/gyns who all sing the same song but agreed to do testing. We're much more confident when we speak to doctors now. Each one does a test that the others didn't. We get testing done, nothing . I'm diagnosed with potential PCOS.
Trying to Conceive PRIDE!!

We finally see our first RE. He's fantastic! He does a whole range of tests including genetic.

We start Garr on Fertiliaid for Men. To this day I have only bought four bottles

Garr does his first complete semen analysis. The RESULTS have me a little POed. This whole time I was working my butt of to conceive.

Year 5 2013

We finally find an RE who takes us seriously. We do tests on Garr too. Surprise SEVERE Male Factor infertility. I DO  NOT TAKE THIS WELL. He didn't think it was him but now that it is he seems to understand our infertility to be more real.

One of my girlfriends abandoned her dog for a poor excuse for a man she just met...  So lets all give a warm welcome to our second dog MAX! 

I finally go to a RESOLVE support meeting. Game Changer

After listening to everyone's experiences with various REs in the area I decide to switch REs.

This new one Dr. U is a keeper. She's the first doctor to be knowledgeable of our medical records before we sat down with her, she's the first one that didn't dismiss our concerns because we were younger, she's the first one to pull out all of our medical records and go over each and everyone of our results.
I'm finding my strength again.

I still have depression. I refuse to take medication for it since what I have isn't the disease version which means I can get better. But at least now there is light, there is hope, I experience happiness. I can look at my friends baby and not be filled with self-pitty and hate. I can look in the mirror and say "you're worth the smile you're wearing." That, that's a good feeling. I'm feeling good.

The next cycle we have will be our first IUI. October 2013 <3 

 TOO Serious... Lets look at pictures of my dogs :-) You'll feel better too! Aww Pups!

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