Thursday, November 21, 2013

IUI #2 - Week 2

Wednesday was our first and only pre-insemination u/s. I was shocked at the first follicle we found. 

First we measured my endometrium. I knew right away that it was half the fullness it was last time (16mm) which is good. I have read that having an over thick endometrium reduced the odds of conception substantially. My endo was 9.7mm a good healthy range with triple pattern. Already we were off to a good start. 

Left ovary a grand 14x13mm follicle which was a little smaller than last time. I will admit to the tears that welled up a little when I assumed it meant that my body was not responding properly. I need right side ovulation anyway since my left Fallopian tube can not be determined to be open.

We move onto the right ovary and tears well up again. The first follicle we found was large! Much larger than our previous cycles first scan! Yes!! 19x15!! Last cycle we triggered a 22x18 so this follicle was well on its way! I am content that I will at least be able to trigger by Friday! The scan continues and we stumble upon follicle #3 and I get so excited that I my smile begins to hurt. Follicle #3 is noticeably bigger than any follicle I had ever seen on an ultrasound. She was hiding in the back but was a generous 25 x18. Yes, we are triggering tonight. 

My husband is with me so he watches my roller coaster of emotions and is startled when I announce "babe! We're triggering tonight!!" 

I'm in disbelief. Last cycle went so crummy while I was doin everything I I could to conceive and this one went so smoothly as I did everything I could to have fun. 

So we triggered Wednesday night to do our insemination on Friday. 

Wednesday we got into a 7hour long conversation/argument all while we had company over. Then we triggered 15 minutes early for no reason at all. (10:15pm). Awesome thanks babe. 

Thursday we did nothing but lounge around the house. 

Friday was insemination day. After my husband returns from providing his swimming DNA he takes me out to breakfast to deliver the news: he spilt out at least 3/4 of the delivery. With is historically low count that was the opposite of what was good. I'm pretty disappointed but know that he is too so we try to look a the bright side. 

Insemination time and We are ready to go. Our nurse informs us that everything looks good but held back telling us the details of the swim team besides telling my husband that it was really good. I'm inverted and the proceedure goes so smoothly, I didn't feel a thing. My cervix was wide open ready for that catheter. We end up napping together, sharing my pillow for the 20 minutes post proceedure. I was cocooned in the warmest of blankets and had the most restful 20 minutes of sleep I ever had. 
When our twenty minutes were up our nurse turned on the lights and gave us our post insemination directions. We inquired about the post-wash swim team and she informe us that it was 8.9 million!!! Woah! That's almost twice the swimmers we had last cycle!! She told us to dtd as soon as possible as long as it's comfortable. Well, my husband was very pleased with himself, and I was feeling no discomfort from the proceedure so we quickly re-inseminated before I got dressed. 

All day no discomfort. All weekend no discomfort. :-) I should reach 5dpo Wednesday so I'll probobly implant thanksgiving or the few days following. 

Next week I will take a digital pregnancy test with my husband on the 7th... I may sneak in an FRER Monday and Wednesday :-P lol this iui just went so smoothly.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Can You Keep a Secret??

Can you keep a secret??? No really you have to keep this one. Promise? Okay, here it comes.

I don't want this iui to work. 

*gasp* I know right. 

I have my heart set on adopting an going to CCRM. We NEED a vacation and A trip out to CCRM makes planning a vacation so easy. 

Besides if we conceive this cycle my due date will be my sisters 21st birthday... 

That's no good. I'll be going into labor and she'll be singing to her porcelain throne...

Each of us not wanting to ruin each others big days.

Right at the beginning of her last semester... No bueno. 

The sooner we get through this next cycle, the sooner we'll get to go to CCRM and the sooner we can start our adoption process. I already told the nurse at our cd3 appointment that we were ready to move on. So I'm not worried about this cycle. Like at all. I'm taking my vitamins but I hardly care to conceive this time around. Just going through the motions, going to church, and practicing my yoga. #life

Thursday, November 14, 2013

IUI #2- Week One

Welcome to the wonderful world of another effing cycle!! 


I'm kidding, I thought I would be more bitter but I'm not. I think God was aligning me to the path he intended me to be on. And since Saturday (CD1) I have strangely found inner peace and contentment awaiting our little ones arrival, Whenever that may be.

Saturday November 9th I attended the BARE YOUR HEART workshop at Charlotte Family Yoga. I opened up to the women there about our infertility journey and immersed myself into the practice. I have never felt so little chaos in my mind or so little chaos in my heart as I did in the moments/days following this workshop. My cycle started around 5:00pm medium flow, no pain, just present. And in my mind and heart I KNEW that this was okay. I felt okay. I felt happy even. I declared at the workshop that I would stop blaming myself and my body for not conceiving and to give up trying to control our fertility. I AM HAPPY! My heart is open to allow whatever the world has to offer me. Life still happens when we are not reaching our goals. Our goals still happen even when we do not obsess or focus our entire lives to reaching that goal.

After class our instructor set us aside to help us along our infertility journey. She invited me to join the bi-weekly prenatal class, create vision boards for what we want, and to incorporate and focus on three poses to improve fertility Malasana, Seated Wide Legged Forward Fold, and Cobblers Pose.

They do 30 days for $30 (new client special) so I'll sign up for that and be COVERED this entire IUI cycle. Then I'll pay for class passes since I'll be able to make at least 4 of the classes out of the 8 so my money is better spent on just paying for the classes I attend than paying for unlimited months.


Sunday, November 10th. Are you all ready for this? My neighbor invited us to her church so we attended, she knows nothing about our infertility journey (yet) but guess what the serman was about? JAMES 4:1-12.
 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions[a] are at war within you?[b] You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people![c] Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
11 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers.[d] The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?
 - BIBLEGATEWAY
After reading it and reading it I realized that this weekend was no coincidence. I need to let go of my cravings to be a mother and my obsession for MAKING it happen. I need to let it go and allow myself to find true inner peace. I ask for a child to fulfill my need for conceiving in hopes that it will bring me to a higher state of happiness. I will never find happiness this way; seeking things in order to be fulfilled. I need my inner peace.

Needless to say the Yoga Workshop and the Church sermon spoke to me, where I am in this journey and clarified the other's journey so much that I realized that these two things I needed to do. God had put me into this path and confirmed it for me just when I was going to need it most. Yoga calmed me down enough to receive his message and I am a FIRM believer that when you receive messages like this on the verge of your potential breaking point (CD1&2) while your heart is open and your mind calm; you immerse yourself into it.

Monday-Thursday
Not much going on but things are getting better. I haven't been obsessing over my cycle this time around. I just take my pills and mark on my calendar the next time I'm do to go in to the clinic. No temping, no probing, no counting, no waiting. I'm living right now day-to-day. So you wont be getting so many updates on what's going on. Also, I anticipate only testing 14DPO with a digital test. I'm going to throw a rock in the pond and say I'm Testing Sunday, December 8th so I don't have to count the days after the IUI. On Tuesday I attended the church community dinner which was very nice. I met a whole lot of great people and am looking forward to growing our personal relationships as we become regular members of the church.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Thursday, November 7, 2013

13dpiui

Oh you tease. You won't get me again, I'm over you. 


My temp hopped back up but I am wayy over this cycle. I'm excessively skeptical. I'll test tomorrow if spot doesn't show an my temps maintain the high or I'll just wait it out to CD35 or 19dpiui to do bloodwork at my clinic. 

Come on spot I know you're around here somewhere.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

12DPiui (Evening)

12 days post iui NoVember 6, 2013
Just when things started to turn south with my plummeting temps and I began feeling exceptionally down some awesome things began to happen.


1) two packages came in the mail. I LOVE getting packages

2) one package was my Wayyy Public shirt. The front reads "The loss of a dream. The struggle with infertility. I think this makes me an activist :-) woah!

3) the second package was an adoption information package. We can start our adoption process at any moment now. We plan to adopt reguardless of ttc status/successes

4) I learned about IVM. It's when they retrieve immature eggs and mature them in a controlled environment outside of the body. Then the rest is basic ivf protocol. Perfect for pcos couples :-) that's us!!! 

5) I found a yoga workshop. THIS WEEKEND that was really calling my name. I'm going to convince my husband to come with me. It should be great. 

6) I got out of the house today and it wasn't for errands!!! Whattt! It was to socialize and do/say nothing important

7) I finally went to the bank to change my name and update my address:-) #newlastname

8) I took a BATH against my REs orders. It felt so good. There were bubbles and a wine glass full of pure cranberry juice.

9) I didn't dwell on our fertility. Today turned out to be pretty effing awesome ESPECIALLY for being in the last 3days of the 2ww.

12dpiui... Waiting for the end

All signs point to my cycle starting soon. Garr and I are having a rough time. Really thought iui would work the first time. Since all sign are pointing to no, I am starting a CCRM IVF savings account. I'm going to have to manage to accumulate $30,000 before 2014 is over.  Ugh.
 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

11dpiui


Another negative pregnancy test today. Yap I accepted it, no squinting no photo adjustments, I'm just not pregnant. I have decided that this is the last year trying to conceive. The most you'll get out of me is not preventing after 2014 hits.... Maybe even now? I'm over it.

My temperature began plummeting.
I have headaches.
And boy is it hard to keep the anger and tears back. Aunt Flow is surly on her way.

Judging by my saliva test it looks like my estrogen levels are on the rise as well. Tell tale sign of Aunty Flow. 

I'm feeling pretty angry. 
I'm feeling definitely sad. 
I hate that I've worked so hard to get my life in perfect order before we conceived only to not be able to conceive. 
I hate that I don't eat fried foods, take bubble baths, drink liquor, workout not-riggerously... I hate the life I live. I loved it when I thought motherhood was right around the corner but now, thinking of everything I don't do makes me sick. 

Monday, November 4, 2013

10DP-IUI

Can I be honest with you ladies?

I really felt entitled to have a blazing BFP today.

I should be at least pregnant with triplets this cycle right? I'm young, on fertility drugs, healthy... If age is the biggest factor when it come to fertility, I'm terrified. If age is the biggest factor when it comes to fertility then we have some major issues. I'm running out of my super fertile years if I haven't already left that stage behind. 

I want to be DONE with this journey. I want to move on. I'm too scared to give up on children because I have always identified myself as a mother but I'm also terrified of ttc for the next 23 years. We may have to resort to adopting but I'm TERRIFIED that with the medical bills we've racked up that our credit is too far gone to pass a home study.

I spent my whole morning crying.

It's pms putting me in this sad mood, as it always does 4 days before my cycle begins.

10 days post iui- FRER Pregnancy Test

I need someone else to look at these. I see lines before I took the test x-D. FX 

Sunday, November 3, 2013

9DPIUI

So I tried the opk as hpt thing this morning. I have been itching to take some sort of test!!! 

Conclusion: I'm not ovulating. Haha. I really hope Monday morning brings tears of joy, a bfp, and happily ever after. 

Saturday, November 2, 2013

8 Days Post Insemination

8DPIUI- Saturday, November 2nd, 2013

Found out late last night that my photographer just had her baby girl! Congratulations to her and her family!!

Saw this morning that I had a little bit of a temp spike. I haven't been sleeping well the past few days and my temps have been much lower. I did notice some discomfort yesterday... maybe we implanted and I'm officially pregnant?!?!? Who knows! Wishful thinking I know.

Friday, November 1, 2013

7DPiUI...

Uneventful day. I need to finish my piƱata uterus and continue studying for my securities licence. Ugggh. I still have some pressure in my uterus area. It makes me worried to try another one of these cycles. I may lose my whole darn uterus or ovary :-/ not cool. Today I watched my husband play the new battlefield with his bros. #yawn #thingsthatboreme you would think I spent the time being productive... Nope. I just watched and messed around on pinterest planning the perfect baby shower. Then I stumbled upon this gem and had to share.  The quote that went along with it was ""This is my life. It is real and I can't be stuck feeling bad about it forever. I have a daughter and that is amazing.” (Lost baby from Encephalocele during the second trimester and has had 11 IUI's in 2 years)" loved this.
A great article I found that better describes my issue with keeping the secret is here: http://forward.com/blogs/sisterhood-blog/151794/why-i-want-you-to-know-im-pregnant/

Good omens garr and I stumbled across a brand of sausage we tried for the first time we went to visit the Birthing Center. It was(is) the birthing center we've been wanting to use since we began ttc and there the package of sausage was it it's deliciousness over a year later. We grocery shop a lot, and this is our first time seeing it in on the shelf. Maybe this is a sign of good things to come next Friday??

5DPI - 6DPI

5DPIUI-Wednesday, October 30, 2013
My chiropractor today. Young, fit, and attractive. End of story.

Had my post-insemination pre-implantation acupuncture appointment today. I had to zip down to a new chiropractor because the one I usually see would have been out of the office until this afternoon. Not okay! I could potentially implant tomorrow!!! Chiropractor did a few points that I'm not used to. two on my forehead, one mid-cranium, two at my collar bone and three at each writs. I got to meet a client of his (now receptionist) that did acupuncture with him and swears that she has her two sons now because of it. She was suffering from infertility for two years before she sought out his help. When I told her that I had been trying for five years, like many others, she was surprised that I had been trying so long and was seemingly young and healthy.  I am convinced that the "age is your strongest fertility factor" is a load of elephant crap.
I told my sister about our fertility treatments today. I don't want her to worry if we aren't able to conceive. But I know it's more important for her to be in the loop than to not be burdened. 
My chiropractor today. Young, fit, and attractive. End of story.
For dinner. I cooked Chicken Marsala straight from the Dillard's Christmas cookbook my sister bought me and it came out so so delicious. I am used to getting a recipe that doesn't turn out right but this was delicious as was yesterdays meal. Luckily we have a food processor and stand mixer to keep us from having to improvise.

And I went to bed on a sugar high. I really just laughed at my paleo diet and enjoyed the consumption of one of my favorite ice cream flavors. Vanilla-chocolate-and almonds.

6DPI (Halloween 2013)
My loving husband got off of work today because of a  work accident he was involved in.

We cleaned. We talked. We did Halloween.

We managed to wrestle the boys into allowing us to do imprints of their paw that we can turn into Christmas ornaments.
Actually, those silly imprints required a ton of dog/owner/spouse cooperation. Kody took forever. He was afraid of stepping in the dough to the extent that when we lifted his two hind legs to encourage him to shift his weight to his front paws he shifted all of his weight to the legs we were holding... Eventually it worked though and the ornaments turned our very well.

We didn't realize how LARGE puppy Max's paws had gotten until we did this little craft. Max weighs about 45lbs and Kody weighs about 47lbs. I love mutts full of surprises!