Tuesday, December 31, 2013

CD24

I'm spotting cd24... Wtf

I've never had mid cycle spotting not so bright.

4 Reasons This is good
1) different is good
2) I've drastically changed my diet so any sort of non-delayed cycle is good
3) It could be a babe!
5) I don't have to buy my letrozole (my period started or I already ovulated)

New Years Resolution


My Christmas wish is that before Christmas 2014 my husband and I will have our little hedgehog in our arms or on the way. 

My New Years Resolution is to love my husband with such ferocity that we help build our friends and family to strong and long lasting relationships as well. 

Monday, December 30, 2013

Am I so obsessed that I'd....

Am I so obsessed with trying to conceive that I would try during our break?

You're thinking right now "There's nothing wrong with a little not preventing"

Okay fine but by "trying" I meant filling my prescription for Letrozole start taking them today and for the next five days and then a little strategic not preventing. Who would know? I'm asking to be switched to Clomid in Januray.

"I thought you weren't trying until March or something?"

Did I say that? I meant I planned and told everyone that I wasn't trying again until March with our LAST IUI ever. The plan as of this morning is that I go to the pharmacy and fill my prescription for Letrozole. When we have our appointment next week I'll request that I get put on Clomid so she wont even miss that last Letrozole prescription I will be self medicating. Then we'll be on Clomid until March where we'll then try for our last IUI and take the summer to plan our trip to CCRM to prepare for our adoption.

Now you're thinking of how manipulative I am, "Mrs. H you obviously think you can conceive if
you are willing to go through all of that just to conceive."

I don't know anymore. Everyone all around me has so much faith in my body's ability to conceive. My mother, my brother, my yoga instructor, my pregnant classmates, my infertile friends, my Reproductive Endocrinologist, my primary care physician... everyone is so hopeful that it's hard to not convince myself to try one more time. After SIX whole years of trying everyone is still so hopeful. I don't think that I can do it but maybe I can?

Is it worth putting adoption on hold for another year just to pursue trying for a biological child a little while longer? What if it works, what about adoption? What if it doesn't work, what about that additional year of trying?

"Okay crazy lady, find Jesus and let go of your burdens. You're not in control he is."

OBVIOUSLY I'm not in control. I am completely and totally aware that I am not in control. And I've been working on the Jesus thing. I try, but when I pray I'm just begging for Jesus to give me what I want. When I thank him I thank him with expectation that he will then give me what I want. I release my burdens to him with the anticipation that by doing so I will get what I want. I praise him in hope that in doing so he will give us what we've been crying for. That's no way to pray. That's not humbling oneself. And I have tried, I have tried, I have tried... When I pray for the Lord to grant me strength to pray as a humble human saved by his graces I do so in hopes that I will be able to pray appropriately honoring him so that he will see me and grant me the one most precious and gracious gift, a child a child. 

"You're a mess"

Yes. I am a lost. Desperate mess.


Sunday, December 29, 2013

Pcos thought

Just a PCOS THOUGHT (as I eat my oatmeal and chia seeds)

Maybe weightloss isn't the cure for pcos maybe it's a side effect for managing the pcos. 

Maybe it's a side effect from exercise and diet changes. 

When you have pcos it's hard to lose weight so when you do poof the pcos is being managed? I think not. 

Skinny women get pcos too. 

Just a thought. 

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Aligning

My attempt at "aligning" ourselves for baby... 2014 is our year!

Why  can't I juake up one day to a belly full of love? Or a little one to call me mom?
 still waiting for our newest fertility clinic to give us a call and let us know that we are/are not admitted into their fertility study. Im pretty confident that ivm will bring us our child (and if there are frozen embryos left over... children). Now we are just caught up in this very long waiting game. Waiting for medical records to send my records over to the new doctor they promise to take at least a week, and then waiting for the call back with further instructions. If this doesnt work out, we'll take a break for a while then do ivf.

Here is to hopeing we wont be barren much longer. My 24th birthday is coming up... geeze i already know i wont be taking it well.

Told My Mother... about adopting

So I told my mother yesterday, via text message, that we were planning on adopting and that we anticipated starting the process this April.

"Lerissa, you and G are just starting your new life together.  God has a plan for both of you.  You all will be able to enjoy your own kids when God's time is right.  Whenever someone is under pressure or wants things to happen immediately it seems to not happen, but through my experiences, God always has a plan for it to happen, and it does happen and it will happen. Tell God what you want, I mean really tell Him and then let it go. The doctor can help but God, the miracle worker will make it happen.  My precious daughter, pray hard to Let Go and Let God! I will always be there for you and before I go back to Heaven I know I will get to rock my little grandchild. If the end result is adoption we will all love it the same. You and Garrett needs to relax and enjoy each other.  You guys are a beautiful and handsome couple.  You all at least have 41 years ahead of you.  Smile and happy thoughts. Love Mother!"

I responded :
"Thanks mother, I know it's hard for you to understand all that we have gone through but after our last fertility treatment failed we have let go which is why we are perusing adoption. We have experienced many years of heartache as we waited for our dreams to become reality. Now that we're married we have a beautiful opportunity to adopt and initiate our family. We have just gotten married but our life together started many years ago when we decided that we would be together for the rest of our lives. "

In 6 years... fertility treatments at the age where I'm the most fertile a person can every hope to be and still not conceive? Adoption is really our best and only realistic option.

Anything

I would do anything to have a child of our own.

Friday, December 27, 2013

So This Christmas...


Monday December 23rd (2 days before Christmas) my primary care physician wrote me my very first probably-going-to-take-for-the-rest-of-my-life medications for my high cholesterol. When you're on statins you CAN NOT try to conceive or be pregnant. Instead of cleaning and preparing for my family's arrival I spent the day moping, crying, and realizing my less than perfect health and less that optimal chances for ever conceiving our own children.

Maybe this is why we haven't been able to conceive all along? The tears keep flowing.

My husband sent me out to Walmart to pick up the fabric I wanted to make curtains out of... he handed me his card and I selected $45 worth of my favorite curtain fabric, patterns and colors. When it came time to check out our credit card was declined. I put my items down and went home in tears! HOW EMBARRASSING! Today was not the day for more things to go wrong, that's why I hadn't left my room sooner, duh. Come to find out the bar we went to to watch the Saints/Panthers game on Sunday rang us up for $2000... the receipt said $23... our card is locked down 2 days before Christmas.

Tuesday December 24th (1 day before Christmas) I wake up trembling and in tears. This Christmas my family is coming over and it will be our 6th Christmas trying for a child and going childless once more. Last cycle everything was different. We had an IUI, my follicle was a great size, we had 8.9 million sperm to work with but we approach this day still childless. My parents arrive early and without skipping a beat my mother takes over the kitchen to make enchiladas for my sister who will be arriving fashionably on-time but hardly. We go to Christmas Eve Christmas service and had a BLAST! We go to our neighbors for additional sleeping bags and an air pump that we found had corroded beyond it's usefulness.

But as the excitement slows down it's replaced by my dread for christmas morning to arrive.

Wednesday December 25 (Christmas Day) The day arrives. We're busy cooking and finding charcoal. Yes, we did find it. We had to find a 7-11 (we have 7-11s??) but they had enough charcoal for our Christmas steaks :-) I find out that my parents both have high cholesterol and my mother specifically has high cholesterol and low blood pressure (like me) so I KNOW this was just hereditary. She never had a problem conceiving her five children so high cholesterol can no longer be ruled the culprit for why we can't conceive.
I'm whining today but Christmas day was truly a blast! Everyone enjoyed themselves and we got to spend great quality time with our parents. high cholesterol


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Since I'm not pregnant...

My pre-period cramps have survived through my period and out the other side... Now I'm just annoyed but working very hard to completely ignore my fertility... besides continuing to take my multivitamin cocktail of One-a-day Womens, D-3 1000iu, and Super B-Vitamin complex; doing prenatal yoga and signing up for prenatal acupuncture, budgeting in adoption, and pseudo planning a trip to CCRM... you know completely ignoring my fertility. This is just my life now.

As I told you before it may be several months before we're able to try to conceive again. Financially, we're drained, emotionally I well over baked, and we're too young to be future parents all the time without ever actually becoming parents... time for us to be 20-somethings. Drinking, Socializing, Social Drinking, Sleeping in, Going to bed let. No regular sleep schedule for BBTs. No "I might be pregnant" excuses to why we canceled another trip to the beach or declined a party. That silliness needed to STOP. If I can't bear children at LEAST let me have my house, career, and my youth!

Since I'm not pregnant this cycle and I thought I was I will let you in on my pregnancy announcement idea.

My family is coming over for our first Christmas. My big idea was to have two stockings over the fireplace and then Christmas morning add a third sock and wait for someone to notice :) 
I thought it'd be very cute. My mother or sister would be the ones to figure it out for sure and then their sirens of excitement would alert my entire neighborhood. 

At this point, there aren't a lot of people who don't know about our struggle to conceive and I am so grateful. There is so much good support and advice. I don't feel as alone, I don't feel as little of a woman, I feel safe. It was scary coming out but I'm so glad I did. As I came out, others came out. As the conversation became an okay to talk about topic women and couples who never struggled to conceive became aware of the many members of their social groups that did. "Your so young it'll happen"s got reinformed, have you tried ivf/adoption questions got enlightened, it has been a very good month in the topic of growing families. 

Good job family & friends. You all are so loving and receptive. It warms my heart for you all to listen and grow from each other and for you all to come out with your own struggles openly and freely. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Oh well

We have decided to take a break from ttc. At least this month, but since our next step is ivm/ivf we'll be on break from trying to conceive for a while :-/. 

Oh well.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

IUI #2- Week Five 16DPO

3:04am I notice that spot has arrived... Fml

Just when I had real hope that this might work... Pitty party; party of me.

6:50am spotting continues... Cramps are worse pregnancy tests are negative

7:21am full fledge flow. 

Fml

Saturday, December 7, 2013

IUI #2- Week 5 (15DPO)

What? There's a week five??

15DPO Symptoms: casually late period, no pre-period acne, cramps, gassy, no period or spotting, hot flashes, exhausted.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

IUI #2- Week 4

Sunday 9DPO: started cramping

Monday 10DPO: still cramping & BFN


Tuesday 11DPO: Still cramping

Wednesday 12DPO: Still cramping


Thursday 13DPO: Still cramping- at this point the only pregnancy symptom I have is that I don't have acne yet. When usually by this time I'm a pizza face.

FRIDAY 14DPO:

IUI #2- Week Three

I have an ear infection... It started off on my right side, dissipated, and then moved over to my left side where it has been making me feel the most uncomfortable. It's not bad enough that it ruins my day but it is ever present which is enough to have me wishing I could get a nice prescription of anti-biotic.

Monday I had my first counseling session with a psychologist. No therapist for me my crazy is in the big leagues according to my therapist lol ;-). Anyway our next meeting is scheduled for WEDNESDAY December 4th. Which will be awesome! For one reason in particular POAS! Since I'll be seeing my psychologist I have given myself a free pass to POAS at 12DPO. In the case that it's negative I'll be seeing her anyway and she'll get to ride my break down for an hour hopefully diffusing it enough that I'll be able to function like a normal human being.

Tuesday I drove my husband and our two boys (dogs) the 4.5 hour drive over the river and through the woods, to my parent's home. That night she fixed us shrimp and white fish which I couldn't eat because the only fish I'm allowed to eat are those with legit names that are listed on the "Fish I can eat" list specifically. Oh well.
Bowling, Ice Cream, Beer, Family <3

Wednesday, We slept in like champions. I woke up at seven only to go back to bed an hour later and wake up at noon. I was exhausted. Wednesday I am the notorious 5DPO and I don't feel a thing. I should implant anytime between now and Monday if this is going to be a legit pregnancy.  No signs of implantation yet

Thursday, HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I'm so thankful for my family, husband, life, health, dogs, friends, city, state, country, world, love, freedom, school, and so so much more!

Friday: My parents took us out bowling :-) they were impressed with how good my husband was. 

Saturday: the cylinder in my brakes broke off mid-drive home. So I ended up taking my mothers car back home. Not the highlight of our trip but I am so thankful that my parents have spare cars lying around :-)