Monday, December 30, 2013

Am I so obsessed that I'd....

Am I so obsessed with trying to conceive that I would try during our break?

You're thinking right now "There's nothing wrong with a little not preventing"

Okay fine but by "trying" I meant filling my prescription for Letrozole start taking them today and for the next five days and then a little strategic not preventing. Who would know? I'm asking to be switched to Clomid in Januray.

"I thought you weren't trying until March or something?"

Did I say that? I meant I planned and told everyone that I wasn't trying again until March with our LAST IUI ever. The plan as of this morning is that I go to the pharmacy and fill my prescription for Letrozole. When we have our appointment next week I'll request that I get put on Clomid so she wont even miss that last Letrozole prescription I will be self medicating. Then we'll be on Clomid until March where we'll then try for our last IUI and take the summer to plan our trip to CCRM to prepare for our adoption.

Now you're thinking of how manipulative I am, "Mrs. H you obviously think you can conceive if
you are willing to go through all of that just to conceive."

I don't know anymore. Everyone all around me has so much faith in my body's ability to conceive. My mother, my brother, my yoga instructor, my pregnant classmates, my infertile friends, my Reproductive Endocrinologist, my primary care physician... everyone is so hopeful that it's hard to not convince myself to try one more time. After SIX whole years of trying everyone is still so hopeful. I don't think that I can do it but maybe I can?

Is it worth putting adoption on hold for another year just to pursue trying for a biological child a little while longer? What if it works, what about adoption? What if it doesn't work, what about that additional year of trying?

"Okay crazy lady, find Jesus and let go of your burdens. You're not in control he is."

OBVIOUSLY I'm not in control. I am completely and totally aware that I am not in control. And I've been working on the Jesus thing. I try, but when I pray I'm just begging for Jesus to give me what I want. When I thank him I thank him with expectation that he will then give me what I want. I release my burdens to him with the anticipation that by doing so I will get what I want. I praise him in hope that in doing so he will give us what we've been crying for. That's no way to pray. That's not humbling oneself. And I have tried, I have tried, I have tried... When I pray for the Lord to grant me strength to pray as a humble human saved by his graces I do so in hopes that I will be able to pray appropriately honoring him so that he will see me and grant me the one most precious and gracious gift, a child a child. 

"You're a mess"

Yes. I am a lost. Desperate mess.


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