Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Shes Here

I've reached that mark in my journey where all of my friends who "struggled" to conceive are all pregnant and I'm off looking for new friends again. Its a 2.75 year rotation. In three years 40 year olds will lap me, the 30-somethings are having their 4th or 6th and the 20-somethings hearts go out to me to not be able to experience this miracle...

I hate this, happy for everyone but tragically sad for myself and husband.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

But Why Does She Get Babies?

I feel myself asking this question all of the time when I meet a mother, when I see a pregnant mom, when another teenaged or younger cousin conceives "accidentally" and I sit here sobbing over my bachelor's degree, husband, and house. Such a good blog post. You must check it out. http://natashametzler.com/2014/02/17/but-why-does-she-get-babies/

Friday, February 21, 2014

Please be a Long Cycle

Dear Ovaries,
It would be really sweet if you would please take your time next cycle as you loved to do so many cycles before we started fertility treatments. I need a nice delayed cycle so we can move on to IVM and get our lovely and perfect IVM cycle underway!

Thanks a bunch!
Love Always,
Mrs. H


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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

11DPO: Feeling Down

Feeling down. My temp is slowly decreasing as sure sign AF is on her way. I was holding out hope that she wouldn't show and I wouldn't have to do an IVM cycle and my husband and I can REJOICE in being parents together....

Instead, I have this crummy chart. And this crummy luck. I'm 98% sure my body isn't going to act like it's supposed to during this IVM cycle and they're going to disqualify me or something. :-( Uggh I hate the 10-15DPO span. It's "five days of looks like I'm not pregnant but maybe I am"!! Followed by one day of "Maybe this is implantation bleeding" and then four days of "nope, maybe next cycle."

When will this roller coaster of trying end???? I'm so tired of trying and not conceiving. I'm so tired of having my hopes up to no avail. The worst part is that I can't even let it go. How do you let go of something you have dreamed about your entire life? How do you move on from your hearts passion?  I'm TERRIFIED of doing this IVM cycle not because of the treatment but because it's our last stand. It's our last chance to use medical technology to conceive and start our family that way. THATS why I'm terrified. Maybe it works and all of my fears are set aside but if it doesn't... If it doesn't work... then where will that put us in our most fertile years? If this is the most fertile we'll ever be... I'm terrified of what that means for growing out family in the future.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Testing Week Testing Week Oh My oh My it's testing week!

Grab your sticks and grab your camera ladies it's finally testing week!
Testing week is here! Woooohoooo!! Are you all ready for this! I'm not but I'm still just as exctited to have the opportunity to have this day to share with everyone! My plan for this week is starting testing at 11DPO or 5 days before my anticipated period. I exhausted the last of my pregnancy tests last cycle so I'll have to acquire new ones. I think Walmart 88cent cassettes will do the trick. I'll buy 6. One for everyday of testing week. I will do that tonight! Ohhhhhhhh here we go. Fingers crossed. The week is young and hope is still abundant. I think today I'll start a feelings meter that I'll post with my journal entry or a hope meter? maybe both??? We'll see you know how I am with following through with anything I promise to do for this silly blog.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Sky High

Woah! Everyone Everyone WOAH! I have been temping periodically and now I MUST STOP. My temp surged this morning. Maybe it was a fluke? Maybe it wasn't. I can only hope that I don't spend every morning for the duration of testing week over analyzing my temp shifts. Nope. I am not about that life.

Here's to well wishes, hope and a whole lot of prayer :-)

Friday, February 14, 2014

Why?

Why am I already thinking this is it? I think that this time I could be pregnant.  We'll see. 7 days until I can take a pregnancy test with confidence.

Oh and happy valentines day :-)

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Snow Day with Dogs

No one ever tells you about having house dogs in a snow storm... These over sized chickens. I had to break ice, rake snow and expose the grass so my two precious cowards could alleviate themselves this morning. And the snow is still coming down like an abundant snow globe. This is going to be a long week.


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

The End

The end is near.

If it wasn't for our IVM cycle coming up in March we'd be done TTC this cycle.

We've decided that after the IVM cycle we're not going to be trying to conceive any longer. When I turn 30 I'm getting my tubes tied, double knotted. Losing my body to baby already terrifies me and from observation post 35 you lose your body and you don't get it back (unless you're wealthy). So NO I actually honestly and truly refuse to have children after my 20s. 

It's bitter sweet. To end this journey. Bitter because this is all I've ever wanted my entire life. Sweet because finally letting it all go, the probing, the anticipation, the expectations, the nights of tears, the negative pregnancy tests.

I want to keep trying but we need to live our lives. I need to be me. I need to submit to my husband and in this journey I just can't.


My journey to natural parenthood is just about to a close.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Confirmed Ovulation!!

Ovulation has been verified to have occurred prior to Monday, February 10th!! So I set my ovulation day in fertility friend for Sunday though I'm pretty sure it was closer to Saturday. 

I will admit, I'm pretty stoked to see that I have successfully ovulate and from my left side? Wow! This is a completely confirmed ovulation not only has my follicle shown signs of deflation but it's demonstrating the corpus luteum ripple that produces all that good progesterone a growing baby will need.  We haven't seen that in all of my ultrasounds!

Left side has the Fallopian tube that can not be determined to be open... So closed. We definant did all we could so short of medical interventions to ensure that we caught this little guy in case that tube is open.

Officially In the two week wait. Since I'm on clomid I HAVE to test 14dpo to protect myself in the case of ectopic pregnancies. 

Wish us luck!

Different is good. 
Clomid 50mg works for me :-) 

Friday, February 7, 2014

Can't get off these Pills!

My daily regimen 
-one a day womens
-CoQ10
-D3
-Super B-Complex
-Fertile CM
-Tylenol (not daily) for pain
-Decaf Green Tea
Yum! That's a full meal right there! As these bottles run out I'm switching them to whole food versions of these supplements! First stop Earth Fare! Happy February everyone!! 

*where's your high cholesterol medication? 
> I the pharmacy where it belongs
* *side eye stare* 
> give me to the end of March! I'm still holding on to hope that our baby will come before we call it quits. 

Adoption process starting in April! 

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

2010-2014

Fall 2010 we suffered our first chemical pregnancy.

June 2011 we started charting online with Fertility Fertility friend trying to conceive. 

March 2012 we suffered our second chemical pregnancy and last positive pregnancy test.

2014... Hopefully this is our year... Adoption process starts in April. People don't understand that being a parent and raising a family is our dream. Graduation college was a dream and so was having biological children. I didn't "take a break" before I went to college and I sure am not going to "take a break" before perusing our our goal. 

I went to college, got married, bought a house, all so that he and I could start our family. I don't care to travel unless it's to show our child the world. So many years of month to month having each period feel like a miscarriage needs to come to an end.

I had a long discussion with the pastors wife about our trying to conceive efforts. She has never suffered infertility. She asked me that if I was saved why did we have premarital sex. Well, since my doctor told me in 2009 my fertility was in decline we decided that sooner than later would be best for us to initiate our family. When we spoke to our parents about our plans to marry we got no support since it had only been a year and we obviously didn't know what we were facing. The pastors wife got married within a year of meeting/dating her husband. My husband and I have decided that in order to align with our families wishes we would not get married with out prompt. We agreed that having the family we dreamed of was more important than family politics so we decided to try to conceive and elope as soon as we became pregnant. We made a commitment long ago that forever together is what we'd fight for. 

We began a big fat savings account to cover our expenses when baby would arrive (that turned into our house deposit later since we have never achieved pregnancy pre-marriage as agreed). 

In the biblical times marriage was realized when a couple agreed to live together as husband and wife. The wealthy/nobal had weddings the commoners did not. 


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

CD8

I took clomid cd 3-7 and today is cd 8. Only 20 days until testing.
I'm using soft cups but i guess with my core muscles always engaged I still manage to leak and squeeze stuff out after it's inserted properly. Isn't there a pocket or something up there??? Geeze. My pubic bone wants nothing to do with it.