Friday, March 21, 2014

Church vs My Infertility

The baptist church I attend loves to tell me only God creates life so I haven't conceived because God hasn't put life into my womb yet. 

But they agree that you have to dtd in order to have a space for God to put life. So God only puts life where you make it available?

And they're super fond of teaching their kids that the parents gave them life... 

But I don't give/create/influence life only God does. 

It doesn't matter if I made the space or not only God determines where he puts life... 

Am I missing something?

Thursday, March 20, 2014

#hopelost

I knew I was getting less and less emotionally devastated by not conceiving naturally. It did not hit me until today that my hope in my natural fertility is lost. With out invitro I don't believe we'll ever conceive and since we are STILL hunting down and sending medical records... I don't think that it's likely that we'll get to that step i our journey anytime soon. So where am I now? I don't have a clue. I can't find a single blog post about a broken spirit where periods don't make you sad anymore, baby pics, pregnancy announcments, rude fertile friends nothing phases you anymore. 

I'm not sad I'm just really lost. Really completely lost. I've been in ttc pergatory for so long I can't tell which way is forward and which way is back. 

I dread telling my husband in five days that we still aren't pregnant. I can't even assume anymore that there is a legitimacy to buying pregnancy tests and pretending that this month was different than all of the others. 

I know we're going to be late. I'm always late or early or skipping periods all together. If I'm right on time I'd take it as a bodily insult. 

That's all for now. 

Thursday, March 13, 2014

How do you make babies?

I have found myself drowning in the depths of pregnancy updates wondering how we can make a baby. Like what more can we do besides everything and wait?

I just called our fertility clinic in NYC and they STILL have not received medical records from my husband. I want to bring him to NYC and just have THEM do the silly semen analysis and physical. 

I'm tired of this. 

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

CD16

Its cycle day 16 of my 65 month journey to have our first child. Honestly, i had no clue what CD it was until my good ttc friend checked up on me yesterday. I tossed a soft cup in there yesterday morning to celebrate... maybe 65 months the charm?? I only have half an ounce of hope left in having sex to initiate our family. So todays soft cup was just a little ttc pagentry. So i dont think I'm trying anymore but we're not going to stop doing the deed. So we're trying not trying?

We are still waiting on Neway Fertility to receive our medical records & we find ourselve bending over sideways trying go initiate our adoption process.

So the limbo continues. Que sera, sera.

Good News: metformin and my body had a rough start but we are all friends now. I hate the smell of sugar though. Makes me want to gag. Oh well, I'll take that over GI track disturbences all day.

Also Fertility Authority featured this very blog this week! How cool is that!
Fertility Authority: Our Nesting Project

Friday, March 7, 2014

Limbo

In between wanting to get pregnant and wanting to live again. All of these years living cycle to cycle I realize that my life revolves around the possibility of becoming pregnant at any moment and trying to acheive that pregnancy. I have technically been planning and prepping for this pregnancy since I was 16 when the itch to conceive started to take over my brain but I didn't start trying until I was 18. 

Why am I even trying why do I even care anymore. I have little faith that we'll ever conceive in a natural cycle so why and I still tracking when we have sex on my fertility chart? Literally the only thing on it is my menstral flow and when we had sex. 

Why am I still doing this to myself? I don't even care to temp. I don't care if we have sex. I don't care for actively trying anymore. 

I'm still waiting for a call back from Neway Fertility, which I'm expecting to happen in the next week or so but even then, is this a real viable option? Could I really conceive and carry to term? It's strange wondering if natural parenting is a real possibility for us. After this ivm treatment we're throwing in the towel. We are calling it quits. We'll still be not preventing but we'll sweep infertility struggles under the rug for a little while. I want to live! I want hobbies, fitness, and relaxation back in my life.

Is that too much to ask? I don't want to regret not living especially if our dream of parenthood is never realized.

Yikes! Am I accepting the idea that we may die childless? 

Am I for the first time coming to a place that will let me step off of the sinking ship of infertility? 

In 3 months I will be 24. I originally wanted to be on my third by 25... And done completely by 28. I didn't want to be pregnant in my 30s or beyond. Now I'm realizing 16 year old me was too ambitious in planning out our life. 

Oh well, why do I even care?

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Metformin

My GI track is churning ugggh. Metformin is not my friend. My appetite is surpressed which is nice but I have to #2 all day. I guess that's great for weight loss but geeze. I just want saltines, water and to sleep until it's over.

My husband sent me to the store to get pickles... I don't buy or eat pickles... Why is it so complicated??