Thursday, March 20, 2014

#hopelost

I knew I was getting less and less emotionally devastated by not conceiving naturally. It did not hit me until today that my hope in my natural fertility is lost. With out invitro I don't believe we'll ever conceive and since we are STILL hunting down and sending medical records... I don't think that it's likely that we'll get to that step i our journey anytime soon. So where am I now? I don't have a clue. I can't find a single blog post about a broken spirit where periods don't make you sad anymore, baby pics, pregnancy announcments, rude fertile friends nothing phases you anymore. 

I'm not sad I'm just really lost. Really completely lost. I've been in ttc pergatory for so long I can't tell which way is forward and which way is back. 

I dread telling my husband in five days that we still aren't pregnant. I can't even assume anymore that there is a legitimacy to buying pregnancy tests and pretending that this month was different than all of the others. 

I know we're going to be late. I'm always late or early or skipping periods all together. If I'm right on time I'd take it as a bodily insult. 

That's all for now. 

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