Friday, March 7, 2014

Limbo

In between wanting to get pregnant and wanting to live again. All of these years living cycle to cycle I realize that my life revolves around the possibility of becoming pregnant at any moment and trying to acheive that pregnancy. I have technically been planning and prepping for this pregnancy since I was 16 when the itch to conceive started to take over my brain but I didn't start trying until I was 18. 

Why am I even trying why do I even care anymore. I have little faith that we'll ever conceive in a natural cycle so why and I still tracking when we have sex on my fertility chart? Literally the only thing on it is my menstral flow and when we had sex. 

Why am I still doing this to myself? I don't even care to temp. I don't care if we have sex. I don't care for actively trying anymore. 

I'm still waiting for a call back from Neway Fertility, which I'm expecting to happen in the next week or so but even then, is this a real viable option? Could I really conceive and carry to term? It's strange wondering if natural parenting is a real possibility for us. After this ivm treatment we're throwing in the towel. We are calling it quits. We'll still be not preventing but we'll sweep infertility struggles under the rug for a little while. I want to live! I want hobbies, fitness, and relaxation back in my life.

Is that too much to ask? I don't want to regret not living especially if our dream of parenthood is never realized.

Yikes! Am I accepting the idea that we may die childless? 

Am I for the first time coming to a place that will let me step off of the sinking ship of infertility? 

In 3 months I will be 24. I originally wanted to be on my third by 25... And done completely by 28. I didn't want to be pregnant in my 30s or beyond. Now I'm realizing 16 year old me was too ambitious in planning out our life. 

Oh well, why do I even care?

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