Friday, May 16, 2014

Ships still Sinking but the crew is shoveling buckets of water out

Full refunds all around! My local RE's team is trying to salvage what they've done. If I get kicked from the study I only pray that they'll give me a free ivf round.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014


My remote doctors office didn't do the right day "three" labs on Monday And I'm just finding out today... I'm so sad right now. So not May, not June, maybe July if my periods are regular. I'm can't stop crying. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Day 6 of Napro

Day 6 of not having sex... I'm losing track of time. People once civilized and calm are now regressing to primitive mood swings and aggressive behavior. Animals. 

I don't know how much longer we can take in this state.

God, help us. 

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Well, that was the worst Mother's Day ever.

 My husband, though involved, is completely oblivious to what I want or need. 

"He's not a mind reader" 
- awe, that's cute. I tell him exactly what I want out of everything and he still acts like he has no clue. I feel hopelessly stranded in a marriage that bares no fruit. A card on Mother's Day? a hand written letter on one of the hardest days of the year because he knows how much hand written notes mean to me. No, to suffer through this day we get breakfast (ignoring that it's Mother's Day and the Resturant will be filled with families) and a movie (ignoring that the theater will also be full of families). He put 
Zero premeditated thought in today and it breaks my heart. He could have googled what to do. He could have spent 30 minutes making a plan but instead he spent two weeks home from work expecting me to save the world as he played video games, watching tv, and slept in. Two entire weeks of opportunity to think of something nice to do for/with me and he couldn't take the 10 minutes out of the day to do so. 

After the movie on the way home I asked him why he didn't do anything for me today.

(Enter temper tantrum from him here)

He tells me that he asked me what I wanted to do for Mother's Day and I told him not to worry about planning a day for Mothers Day. 

Not planning a day doesn't mean you can't get me a card or a hand written sentiment to aknowlege what the day means to us where we are now. 

It doesn't mean you loaf around take me out in public as we are annoyed by how many parents loom around us with their spawn. 

A necklace, a bracelet, a card, earrings, a drawing, a toy for the dogs, paint for a room, a kitchen aid accessory finishing a chore all these things would have worked. Instead he did, planned, gave nothing. All I wanted was something pre-planned. Something other than "what do you want to do today? What do you want to do today? What do you want to do today? Fine, if you don't have any ideas lets just do what is exclusively fun for me like playing video games until you think of something" 

So after the movie and his temper tantrum he takes my car to his parents an hour away so I'm left at home alone with my dogs on Mother's Day. Why didn't I take his car and go out? 1) it's Mother's Day and I can't brave the world of what I can't be after being emotionally rattled 2) I can't drive a stick. I HATE it when he takes my car. I HATE being stranded home. I HATE being alone on holidays I wanted to spend with my own family. I HATE that I'm made to spend Mother's Day alone in my thoughts.

I call my mom and she tells me all about my siblings being down and the great food she has cooked. I can't help but feel homesick for my parents. We spent all of our holidays since the wedding with his family and every one of them has sucked! He has one sibling he hardly talks to, the food isn't great, the conversation bore me to tears and I yern to hang around my family. 

When he finally comes home several hours later. We chat, make up, and head over to the bar. I drink like a champ because AF is in town guaranteeing that we won't get pregnant before my birthday since we aren't allowed to have sex until next cycle. We go home. And I immediately chart the quickest route to my bed and pass out. 

Happy Mothers Day!

Saturday, May 10, 2014

I Will Be a Great Mother

Mother's Day may be the absolute WORST day of the year followed closely by Fathers day and then comes Christmas & my birthday tied for third. I hate FACEBOOK on mothers day. I hate parks. I hate my mother friends. I hate everyone and everything on mothers day. 

To help myself feel better here's why I will be a BETTER mother than anyone who never really had to try to have everything I have ever wanted. Literally ever wanted. Children have been my only shining goal since I learned I could have them. But I digress;

"There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. 

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. 

 I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. 

 My dream will be crying for me. 

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. 

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. 

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother."

 - Unknown Author

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Day One of Napro Life

Good Morning TTCers, moms, and my supporters!

I would like to announce joyfully that it is finally CD1! Now we can get our one year to baby count down on the road. 

I have decided to pursue ivm casually. We are giving this entire year, as the last year of our TTC journey, to Napro Technology. 

My church approves it as a morally and spiritually sound way to address fertility issues so we are all on board. 

Wish us luck! I'll give you more details in my next post.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I Would Have Been Braver...

I find quirky things to say to people when they are rude or not understanding about our infertility. I stand and FIGHT to be understood and not feel cast aside and defeated. I FIGHT so I don't feel like less of a woman because we don't have kids. I FIGHT so I don't feel vulnerable. I FIGHT so I can feel brave.

" If I had been braver, I would have just cried and said, ‘You really hurt my feelings."

Because that is the truth. The truth is you have hurt my feelings; you have kicked me where I am already bruised. The distraction is my fight and redirection. Distracting helps me feel like I'm in control. I am never in control. It is all an illusion.

I am a strong woman, but I'm strong because I am honestly a scared woman. I am strong so I do not get dominated. I am enthusiastic to promote people around me to think the way I do. I fight for what I need people to understand because if I do not I will feel judged, lesser, and ridiculed.

So I came out about our infertility but this is our last year on the journey. May 2015 we will end our journey to become parents and pursue a fruitful life without children. Why? Because we deserve to live happy lives.

Its not giving up. It's moving on.

I spent 6 out of my 24 years of life (25%) crying at the beginning of every month where we realized we still were not going to be parents. Don't you think we deserve a month of happiness? Don't you think we deserve a fulfilled life?

I do.

I believe that we have the right to pursue  a life that bears fruit even if my womb has not.

My salvation will not come from bearing children. It will come from being a good wife to my husband, a good sister, a good friend, a happy self.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

So About That Late Cycle...

So my period still hasn't come so instead of taking a pregnancy test I went to my local GYN and had a sonogram and hcg draw done.

The Results Are IN!!

Did you get excited? Are you waiting for my BIG BFP announcement? Are you looking forward to celebrating the conception of our first child!





Not today.

There's no baby in there.

My cycles are just getting long again. I'm on Provera now.

 Ain't Nobody Got Time for Long Ass Cycles.

Hashtag It.