Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I Would Have Been Braver...

I find quirky things to say to people when they are rude or not understanding about our infertility. I stand and FIGHT to be understood and not feel cast aside and defeated. I FIGHT so I don't feel like less of a woman because we don't have kids. I FIGHT so I don't feel vulnerable. I FIGHT so I can feel brave.

" If I had been braver, I would have just cried and said, ‘You really hurt my feelings."

Because that is the truth. The truth is you have hurt my feelings; you have kicked me where I am already bruised. The distraction is my fight and redirection. Distracting helps me feel like I'm in control. I am never in control. It is all an illusion.

I am a strong woman, but I'm strong because I am honestly a scared woman. I am strong so I do not get dominated. I am enthusiastic to promote people around me to think the way I do. I fight for what I need people to understand because if I do not I will feel judged, lesser, and ridiculed.

So I came out about our infertility but this is our last year on the journey. May 2015 we will end our journey to become parents and pursue a fruitful life without children. Why? Because we deserve to live happy lives.

Its not giving up. It's moving on.

I spent 6 out of my 24 years of life (25%) crying at the beginning of every month where we realized we still were not going to be parents. Don't you think we deserve a month of happiness? Don't you think we deserve a fulfilled life?

I do.

I believe that we have the right to pursue  a life that bears fruit even if my womb has not.

My salvation will not come from bearing children. It will come from being a good wife to my husband, a good sister, a good friend, a happy self.



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