Wednesday, July 1, 2015

A Soccer Ball Sized Secret

Welcome to 2015 blog-o-sphere!

How did I make it all the way to July without posting? Secrets. Embarrassment.

First, My husband and I split after a year of marriage. Our problems boiled down to unrealized expectations of our marriage relationship, finances, and a whole bunch of secrets and facades. To get a small glimpse into why we haven't stuck it out. At our last marital therapy session asked us both what we were willing to do to save our marriage. I went first. I told her that I was willing to take his concerns into consideration and let go of the past hurts I have been holding against him so we can move forward together. Then he went he said nothing. Not that he didn't say anything but he said at this point (after months of being in consoling) that he wasn't willing to do ANYTHING differently than he has been doing before (even if his methods were not constructive as we have discussed in counseling). So I called it, in that session in that moment. I called it over. He first told everyone at our church that I left him and he still wanted us to work then a few months later he started telling everyone that he left because of adultery... Yeah okay. Who does the church believe? The man who can't keep his story straight. The one that went from "my wife left me." to "I left my cheating wife." (Something he has been threatening me with telling people when we got into our nightly/daily 8 hour long fights if I ever tried to leave him). Lets ignore that at this point he hasn't worked for a year, but bought a new xboxone and "took" me on a vacation to  Charleston, South Carolina in the dead of summer (I don't like history and I ESPECIALLY hate racially icky history and being amongst the places "proud of their heritage/confederate flag."). Anyway that's over.

I got on birth control as we were in counseling and awaited surgery to remove potentially dangerous cysts formed from the year of fertility treatments. I told him explicitly that IF I were to get pregnant I would leave him, run away and never look back. So, naturally this made him want to start trying on his side to help us conceive. Too little too late my friend, I don't start birth control because I haven't decided yet. Anyway, his spontaneous addiction to tobacco products (that started the day we started fertility treatments) ended instantly and he started taking his vitamins, but no diet changes and DO NOT ask him to get off the couch, he has a new xboxone and is exhausted from looking for jobs online.

There are about 18 more categories of secrets that I keep mostly for his sake, he announced half of mine so I went ahead and finished the job for him and confessed.

My anger comes from his MOTHER. She is vile, sneaky, manipulative, and aggressive. I understand why he used to tell me that his parents were the reason for a lot of his mental issues. She speaks on his behalf now. She goes behind your back and then smile in your face and ask you to do more things for her. Um no old lady. I am years younger than your youngest child. Pick fights with people your own age. Anyway I respect him enough to not disclose his secrets, they WILL come out sooner or later and that's on him to deal with alone now.

It's so over. Over over over. DONE.

Well, in lighter news as he move out, I moved on. I started going out more, I rekindled relationships with my friends and family I wasn't allowed to speak with. It was a ice cold glass of water on a warm summer's day. January was the best month ever, followed by February, the best month ever! I started enjoying hobbies again, helping others, work, everything started clicking. Then it happened, the BIG CLICK.

I find out that somewhere in the mix of rekindling friendships and living for today that I have a little hitch hiker. A sweet inconvenient bun in my oven. But how did this happen? When did this happen? I don't know. My friends used to tell me all the time that when God wants to give me a child he will. Was this it? Is this my time. Why now after my marriage has failed? Wasn't it me who was the infertile one? Isn't that why I was the only one on fertility drugs? Wait! Did my birth control do this?

Girl stop.

You are pregnant.

After 6 years of praying, hoping, and wishing. You are pregnant.

"But what about being married before having a baby? What about our plan?"

God's Plan is greater than yours. Calm down. You did not understand God's plan for you then and you don't understand now. Take this precious gift, this miracle and roll with it. Let HIS plan unfold, we see where your plans got you.

"You're right." I do not have the answer for any of my questions and God is leading me in some very uncharted territories but he is leading me. I just have to be quiet and listen.

So today, I am passively announcing and owning that I am pregnant. I am a single mother. I am God's daughter. I am not proud of my actions or circumstances that has brought me here but I have a wonderful network of people ready to stand up and be committed to this child's life.  He has my family, my brothers are all STRONG & respectable men. He has my parents who are wholly committed to their children and grand children . He has my male friends who have stepped up and "claimed him" so he can have a continuous father figure in his life. I don't know how all of this will work out but I know it will.

I am due Late October/Early November time frame.

Oh, the soccer ball thing? Umm, World Cup go USA! And according to my pregnancy apps my UTERUS is about the size of a soccer ball.

Go ahead. Go pick up a soccer ball.